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August 4, 2009

Well here I am beginning of August and about to buy my plane ticket to head back to TN.  I am not excited about this.  I am going to miss it up here.  I am going to miss my family.  I am going to miss spending time with Amanda.  I am going to miss seeing my cute little bug (aka Connor).  He make me smile no matter what mood either of us is in.  He has grown so much.  Time has flown by and I feel like I missed it.  I feel as if time passed by without me knowing.  It is crazy. 
I am going to start missing parts of his life.  I know that many families are like this.  But all of the families I have known of have been really close to one another, always seeing each other.  I know I will be back for a couple of weeks at Christmas time, but it is still so far away!  Hopefully life will be so incredibly hectic that the next 4 months will fly as well.   Time never speeds up or slows down, I know. But sometimes I swear it does.  
I have been trying to cherish every moment up here.  Staring at my little bugs face as to not forget a thing about him.  My sister Amanda and I have become so close.  I love it.  I have missed it.  I have missed spending time with her.  Traci and I haven’t seen much of each other which sucks.  But I guess that’s life.  Well time is continuing to go by.  I don’t want to miss another moment.

Help

May 7, 2009

I am torn.  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know whether to stay or go.  I am so confused.  As much as I want to return to Southern, I also want to stay up here and attend Fitchburg State.  I am so confused.  My life is everywhere.  I don’t fit entirely in one place. Ugh! I never should have gone to Southern in the first place!  This sucks!  I need direction, I need answers, I need for someone to decide for me.  I hate making huge decisions. 

My pro list for going back to SAU:
1. Kelli, Emmy, JoJo
2. Sarah
3. it’s familiar

My pro reasons to stay up here:
1.. Family!
2. Massachusetts is and always will be home to me. 
3.  Tracy

What do you do when your heart is in two places.  My one concern is that Amanda and Jeff have been talking about moving down south in late winter/early spring.  But I really don’t think it will happen.  They have no money!  My concern is that what if I move up here, and then they move down there.  I hate that I am deciding my life based on other people, but my family is my life.  I love them so much.  They are all I have.  My family and my close friends.  I mean I guess ultimately the best decision would be to go back to SAU, but it kills me thinking about it.  I have gained and lost friends since I have been there.  The only really good friends I have there now are Abby, Sarah, and Jen.  But jen is going away as an SM next year. And then there is the fact that Suzy won’t be there and that really sucks! I always become close to people, then they leave.  I have learned that lesson time and time again.  I always do a little better about not becoming so attached to them, but it still hurts when they leave.  Most of the time it’s not their fault, its just life.  I don’t blame them at all, but it is still hard to deal with.
Anyways.  This is my life.  I have no idea where it’s going.  I have no idea where I want to teach 2 years from now when I graduate.  I am trying not to let things stress me out and it has been going well.  But when it comes down to it, I am scared as can be. I need decisions, and they are sure as hell not ones I want to make.  This is my life! This isn’t some game, it isn’t high school its not deciding what shirt to wear.  This is where am I going to go, what am I doing?  So if anyone has any answers, I would be forever grateful.  In the meantime I will be playing it off as stress-free as can be.  Someone help me, please?

update

April 26, 2009

Well it has been a while.  It has been interesting.  I have been babysitting my nephew occasionally, but that is pretty much over because my sister has decided she doesnt want to go back to work.  Other then that I havent really been doing much.  I can’t take summer classes because despite what my financial advsior at Southern said, I didnt get any financial aid.  So, I have to call the place where I have loans through and ask if I can defer them for one more month. 

I celebrated my birthday last week. That was fun.  21!  We started out at my sisters house.  I had a couple of shots of vodka, then I drank a couple of strong glasses of  black cherry rum and coke.  Then around midnight we headed over to the local bar which is right across the street.  We got inside and my sister kept telling people it was my 21st birthday.  So people were buying me shots.  Then I finally ended up with a drink.  I have no clue what I drank, but it was good.  My sister sang kareoke 🙂  Then at 1 the bar closed and we came back to the house and went to bed.  Ididnt get sick until the next morning and I felt fine by noon.  It was a fun birthday night.  

Currently i am watching a movie and enjoying a drink 🙂

The green monster named jealousy

March 31, 2009

I hate jealousy, I think it is annoying and inconvenient.  And yet I can be a very jealous person.  It is one of my least favorite qualities about myself.   I get very jealous when it comes to people I truly care about.  If someone gets in the way of that relationship I get really jealous. 

It started way back when I was younger.  It was always me and my best friend Tracy.  But the minute someone new would come around it would mess up our friendship.  I always became the odd girl out. I got jealous about it.  So the feeling still continues.  Sometimes I destroy friendships to save ones that I find more important.  I am ridiculous, I am human. 
Currently my biggest jealousy problem lies with my sister Traci’s girlfriend, Tasha.  Tasha is an ok person.  But not someone I care for.  She is lazy and selfish.  she tries to take control in all situations, usually it’s not welcome.  But my biggest problem with her is that she gets all this time with my family, and I hardly ever get to see them.  It bothers me so much.  She only works one day a week (lazy), Therefore she gets to spend all this time with Amanda and Connor.  Then when Traci is home which isnt much since she works long days, Tasha monopolizes all of her time.  I hardly ever see Traci.  I hate it so much! I hate that she gets all this time with my family that I don’t get.  I hate her for it and it isn’t even her fault.  I wish the situation was different.  I wish I could drive so I could go spend time with them.  Instead I only see them a couple of days a month and I only live about 15 minutes away.  I can’t even talk about it with anyone because I am so ashamed of myself for feeling this way.  It kills me. 
I don’t know what to do.  I don’t want to feel this way.  I hate myself for feeling this way.  So in the mean time I guess I just try to not feel the way I do.  It is tough though, that monster is mgihty strong.  I don’t want to be a jealous person because those are the people I can’t stand.  So I guess what I am saying is I can’t stand myself.

Fallen Idols

March 23, 2009

We are all looking for someone in life.  Whether it be a soul mate, a friend, someone to fill that void, or someone to look up to, we are all looking.  I have always searched for someone I can look up to, a mentor.  It was just recently that I was able to figure this out.  I have always searched for someone to be my mentor.  Ihave been through so many mentors now, it is getting a little ridiculous.  They either leave my life, or fall off the pedestal I have placed them on.  I always hope that my *mentor* is almost perfect.  I know no one is perfect, but they can be almost perfect. 
     To me a mentor is someone you can look to for answers, someone whose opinion means so much to you that it would decide what you did.  Everything they say or do is important because it may help me to grow somehow.  I hang on their every word.  I can’t do that anymore.  I need to move on from that stage in my life.  Yes it is okay to have people in your life whose opinions you value.  But it shouldn’t get to the point where you do or don’t do something based on their every opinion.  I am my own person and I am almost 21.  It is time to make my own deicisions based on my own opinions.  It is time to grow up.  It will be hard for me because I currently have someone in my life that I would call a mentor.  But I need to remove that person from the pedestal.  I don’t know if I am ready for this, but I know it is what I need to do. 

I think this time away from school is going to be all about growing and learning about the person I am and the person I want to be.  It is about time.  I am ready for it.  I am ready to grow up.  It doesn’t mean i can’t still have goofy times and be silly.  It just means I am going to find out who I am and who I am becoming.

Another New England day

March 9, 2009

New England – Sunny and 55 one day, wintery mix the next. Even still, I love it.

Well I went to church on Saturday  It was pretty cool.  But I don’t think I will be going there again.  I
I woke up that morning unsure if I would be going to church because the pastor hadn’t called me yet.  But i was also very excited because it was warm and I could wear a skirt without freezing!  Anyways… the pastor called me so i got ready for church.  The church was nice and all, it was.  It was just uncomfortable because the people weren’t very friendly.  I mean they were in the “welcome to our church happy sabbath” kind of way.  But that is all they would say, then they would walk away.  They didn’t really care who I was or anything. 
It was good though because now I know what I am looking for in a church.  I miss Ringgold.  I really like that church.  The people are very friendly and they care about who you are. 
I am going to try the other church here this Sabbath.  I am hoping Abby will go as well.  And maybe Molly too since she will be home! 
I may have a babysitting job for a few days.  When the kids here have April vacation I may be babysitting for two kids that week.  So I am excited about that. 
I want to go visit TN in the beginning of April.  But my sister says its a dumb idea because I just left in January.  I need to stop letting my sister run my life for me.  I listen to everything she says and I believe it.  it is a hard habit to break though.  She pretty much raised me.  I think i will go visit anyways.  I have to find a ride from the airport there though, and someplace to stay.  Well that is all that is going on in my life right now!  Happy Monday!

Update

March 3, 2009

     Well, I have been here for almost a month now and I still dont have a job.  I am not even looking for a normal job you know.  I have been looking for a babysitting job.  I have applied for so many that I lost count.  But everyone wants you to have your own transportation. 
     In other news, I think I am going to call an SDA church here this week and ask if they know of anyone that may be able to give me a ride.  I miss church.  I miss having something joyful to look forward to every week.  I miss the sermons and the fellowship.  I know it won’t be fellowship right away for me, after all I still get shy.  But still over time friendships grow!  
     I am going to try to be better about things.  I am also going to try not to let silly nonexistent things get to me anymore.  
     I really have trouble with letting things go from the past.  It is hard.  After years of being treated a certain way or told a certain thing or going through things you believe them.  You believe it all.  It isn’t like the books where the character realizes the problem and just like that they are over it.  No, I realized the problem a long time ago.  The problem is that people drilled stuff into me for so long that I believed it and I still do.  I have terrible self-esteem.  I am slowly getting better, but it is a daily struggle for me.  It is a daily struggle to tell myself that I am not a terrible person and people do like me.  I wake up some days and I don’t like myself.  I can easily find 100 things wrong with me without pausing to think about it.  I am not blaming people, I let them get to me.  I told myself these thinga they were saying were true.  ANYWAYS…
     I got way off track.  Sometimes I go through this thing where if people don’t write/email/text/call me back I take it personally and I take it as they don’t like me anymore or I did something to offend them.  That was always the case growing up.  I was always disappointing someone.  I also analyze how things are said, what they say, the tone, the underlying meaning… it’s ridiculous.  I mean to anyone reading this they may think I am crazy.  But who isn’t crazy.  Seriously though, I am not crazy.  Just human.  I want to break free of this cycle, of feeling not good enough.  I am good enough, I know I am.  But I am my own worst enemy.  I get to myself really quickly and easily.  I am getting better at not letting some people get to me, or better at not showing that they get to me.  That really excited me the other day.  I was so proud! 
    I know I have a lot of good qualities.  I can do plenty of things.  I may not be great at any one thing, but I am okay at a bunch of things!  I have to remind myself of this a lot. 
     So instead of thinking I have done something wrong or someone doesn’t like me because they don’t text me back, I am going to be positive.  I know people have a lot going on.  I was one of those people last semester.  I need to remain positive and pray. 

Some days I want to re-invent myself.  Get a new look, new attitude, everything and just be someone new!

     I guess right now at this point and time I am waiting for things to fall into place.  I have done all I can, now I have to wait on the rest.  Compared to so many in the world, my life is good and I thank God everyday for that.

Caring

February 26, 2009

I think that whole theory of  “out of sight, out of mind” is true.  When you are not around people or you don’t see them on a regular basis you forget about them.  But I don’t.  Sometimes I really hate that.  I hate that I care too much and others dont give a damn.  People get too busy and forget to maybe drop a note to say hi to someone.  It has never mattered how busy I have been, I always find a way to say hi to someone, especially those that are important to me.  Maybe I just care too much.  Sometimes I wish i didn’t.  I am pretty sure no one reads this, and that’s ok.  Somedays I get really personal.  Somedays I become a jumbled mess of words and thoughts and I dont make sense.  Well I guess I care a lot about people and that’s all there is to it.  I am okay with caring a lot.  I just wish others did too.

Care is the ingredient that keeps true friendships alive despite separation, distance, or time. Care gives latitude to another person and gets you past the dislikes and annoyances. Quite simply, caring sustains love.

We are afraid to care too much, for fear that the other person does not care at all.
Eleanor Roosevelt

February 17, 2009

Well I am up in MA.  It isn’t as terrible as I was thinknig.. so far.  I have been bored.  Finding a job has been ridiculous.  I miss people in TN of course.  People are an important factor in my life.  As much as I would try to deny it, its true.  Recently I have been feeling kind of down.  Four years ago so many things happened at once.  It was insane and I don’t like to remember it all, but I do.  Especially the week after Heathers death.  Man there is so much about it I remember.  This is something I wrote a few days ago. 

Four years, its unreal.  I remember so many things about that week after.  I was hoping I wouldn’t.  I remember the phone call,  the shock of when I found out, how I slid down to the floor.  I remember the denial, the anger.  How I said I wouldn’t believe it until I saw it in the papers, but deep down I knew it was true and there was no denying it.  I remember hoping drugs would make it go away, instead I got sick.  I remember being awake at 4 am.  The fight Danielle had with her mom, how i was such a mess I couldn’t think straight.  The car ride home, the things my mom said, the disgusted look brittany and I shared when my mom said she thought Heather flew through the windshield.  The anger i felt when she said that.  The tears I couldnt control.  When I got home I remember not wanting to go to school the next day.  Then the phone call from Heathers mom, Ann.  I remember how terrible I felt that I didn’t know the right thing to say, that I knew that there WAS no right thing to say.  So i said I was so sorry.  I remember crying on the phone with Ann.  I remember feeling like I was in a daze.  Time kept passing, but i couldnt figure out how, or why.  I remember very little sleep in that time.  I wrote on my wall in blue marker because blue was heathers favorite color.  I didnt care if my mom got mad.  I remember telling my mom I dont care what you say I just wrote on my wall.  She didn’t care though.  I remember going to school monday morning and going into the auditorium.  People were talking.  I spent the day in the media center with most of the junior class. people drifted around. I remember crying a lot.  I didnt even realize I was crying until people would hand me a tissue.  I remember Shannon being with me a lot.  We cried together and talked together and sat together.  I remember going to the tree with a balloon and ribbon.  I cried some more.  I remember sitting in the media center tying the blue ribbon around my wrist for Heather.  I wore it until it fell off recently.  I remember at one point to keep from cutting I had a rubberband on my wrist.  I snapped it so hard until I had huge red welts on my wrist.  i remember looking at the other people and seeing us all mirroring eachother with our grief and pain.  We lost a vital part of us.  A vital person.  She was the sweetest girl ever.  She had a heart of gold and cared about everyone.  I remember going to the wake and telling myself not to cry.  Over and over again I reassured myself that it was ok and I was dreaming all of it.  I went through the line hugging the family and I did ok.  Then I saw Ann and that when the tears came.  I remember hugging her.  I remember seeing heathers dad.  The man I saw so many years in a row with heather at square dances.  He was so torn up.  I remember the funeral.  I remember going to the church and thinking wow there are a lot of people here.  I didnt cry until later on.  I just sat thinking.  I don’t know about what.  I went to the reception thing after.  There was pizza.  I sat with a few people and we talked, we reminised, and we cried. 
There are many other details I remember as well.  Things done, things said, but mostly thoughts I had.  My biggest one was why Heather?  Why Heather of all people.  Man the world sucks without her.  She was an amazing girl.  God gave this world a sweet gift when He gave the world Heather then He took her away again.  She was our friend.  Why Heather?
The pain will never disappear.  But as time passes we learn to gain control of it more.  That hole is always going to be there, but we know we can place the memories there and always find them again when we need them.   

_______

I am doing better now.  I am feeling better.  just bored.  I got to hang out wiht my nephew on the weekend I got here.  He is getting bigger and cuter.  I love him so much. 

Changes

February 17, 2009

     Isn’t it interesting how much friendships can change in such a short amount of time.  In one minute anything can change.  A look, a word, or a lack of words can change it all.  I have had friendships change for the better and change for the worse.  Some even change for no reason. 
     I think that saying out of sight out of mind is true, even in friendships.  When you leave someplace, even for a little while, people forget about other people.  You could be friends with someone one year, then over the summer you wouldn’t see them.  You go back to school in the fall and there is hardly any recognition of existance.  It is sad how that works.  Some people just take this fact and move on.  Me on the other hand, I claw my way in.  I do whatever it takes to keep in touch with someone, to stay friends with them.  Sometimes it works and other times it doens’t.  Sometimes you just have to give up.  As much as it sucks, thats life.  
     The funny part is sometimes years later, that same person comes to you, finds you and wants to be friends again.   Some people you can just pick up where you left off, others you have to start over again.  I feel like I am always struggling to hang onto friendships.  I am always the one that wants to keep in touch no matter how many miles are between.  Sometimes I wish that someone else would try for a change.   I guess life is all about change.  You have to accept it and move on.   But some things are worth fighting for, worth trying to hang onto.  To me, friends that have made a difference in your life are worth hanging onto.  The ones you can talk with, cry with, laugh with, and be honest with.  Those are the ones you should keep.  No matter what it takes.